Two Months Post-Deployment...The Real Picture

I appear to be in a funk lately. I can't figure out what it is...the weather? The crazy, hectic schedule? The overwhelming list of things I think need to be done? I don't know, but whatever it is is finally starting to get to me. I feel like putting my foot down, holding my hands out in front of me and shouting "STOP!" I just want things to slow down so that I can catch up again. Wasn't that what the 5 day weekend we just had was supposed to be for? Yeah, and I did get a lot done but things still feel a bit out of control and off kilter. I never seem to be able to catch up on the endless stream of laundry and dishes and papers and emails and messes...how did I ever manage to stay on top of everything while J was deployed? Shouldn't I be more organized and less tired now? Where did that energized, on-top-of-everything person go to? Maybe she was never there and I just imagined that I was actually on top of things then, but in reality things were just as hectic and crazy and out of control! (I guess I should ask my kids... ) 

Control...I think that's the key word. 

I am a control freak. 

There. I admit it. 

I like to know what is going on, and have things done my way. Wow, that makes me sound like a very unpleasant person doesn't it? Yes, I like to have control over myself and things, no I'm not a controlling person. I know that I can't control others and how they do things and I try very hard not to do that. Especially in a marriage. J and I are very different people who do things very differently, but we come together to make it work. After 10 years together we've got it down pretty well. But what happens when you throw a 10 month deployment into the mix? Things change, people change, routines change...so much changes that it's hard to get back to where you were before he left. I got used to having control of the house, control of the discipline, control of the finances, control of my time. And now I'm getting used to sharing that control with another person and I feel like a child being asked to share their coveted toy. I cringe when the dishes are put away in the wrong spot. I roll my eyes at the dirty clothes left next to the hamper. Please don't get me wrong, I will gladly take these little annoyances over having him be deployed, it's just hard to adjust at times. 

The first few weeks, or even the first month and a half, were like a honeymoon. We were getting used to being back together again and were willing to overlook the little things, taking them as grateful reminders of being back together in the same place. We lived in an almost fairy tale-like world. But after a while, reality sets in. Schedules resume, kids act like kids, clothes get left on the floor and life returns in full force. We get into little fights over inconsequential things and we at times tiptoe around each other. He works hard to fit back in, but we found a groove that worked for us while he was away and it's not the same as before he left. I found strength and independence that I didn't have before and am now having a hard time giving it up. We just haven't found the new groove that works for us yet and I think we are both ready to feel like we fully have it figured out again. It's been two months! Why are we hitting the rough patch now, shouldn't that have happened already? And shouldn't we be back into a family routine now? 

As I've been frustrated with this over the last weeks, I've been hard on myself. I felt like it was something I was doing wrong. Like I was the wife who did better while her husband was deployed and didn't appreciate him being home. And of the guilt that came along with that idea was crushing. 

I want him home.

 I love having him home. 

I want nothing more than to have him by my side and back in our family.

So then why do I feel like this?

Apparently I'm not the only one who has had these feelings. Once again, the blogging world came to my mental rescue. Since yesterday, I have come across a few different blogs that dealt with the post-deployment topic. One post, written by Her War, Her Voice, titled The Dance, spoke the situation so well:

"He still isn’t fitting in. He roams through the house like a bull and never put things where they are suppose to be. He is inconsistent with the kids, and still doesn’t have their schedule down. Shouldn’t we be back to normal? Shouldn’t it feel like we fit? Shouldn’t we be touching more? What happen? He keeps jacking up everything, and I feel like such a nag asking, telling or yelling at him. I suck it up, and I wait. I wait for it to be normal again.

Two steps back and two steps to the side, we sidestep around each other. Him bouncing and trying to get back into our lives, trying not to annoy me, and me trying not to be annoyed, and twirling around the awkwardness of our relationship."

 The posts were encouraging. I'm not the only one to feel this way. Feeling like this does not make me a bad wife. It doesn't mean that deep down I wish that he was still deployed. It just means I'm normal. Our family survived something incredibly hard. And while yes, we survived, we aren't done yet. Deployment does not end when our Soldiers come home. Sometimes the reintegration is the hardest part. And it takes time. We didn't find a groove during deployment until a few months into it, why should I expect us to automatically fall back into life together once it was over? It will happen, I know that. Without fanfare and probably without even realizing it, a new routine will form and we will all once again feel like we fit together. And if it takes another week, or even another year, it'll be worth it. Eventually we'll figure out this new "normal." 

And we'll do it together.